Asia {`you say you need no one`}

But it felt so good.

Twice I woke before my alarm had the audacity to rouse me from glorious sleep. I didn't allow it the satisfaction; I heaved myself out of bed a good fifteen minutes before that annoying electronic noise set off. Why?

I was dreaming about him. I'd almost forgotten, and that seems to happen a lot. I'll forget who I'd always thought I was meant to be with for all my life, and then something happens that slams a memory of him back into place. Dreams, this time. I was at my step-mom's, and everyone was hurrying a bit; we were going to the beach, as though my old home had been anywhere near a coast. I was lagging, as usual, and she was getting peeved. And then, out of the blue, he was sitting at the table and smiling over at me. I couldn't even contain my excitement; I ran over and gave him the biggest of hugs, which, if you know me well, is quite out of the norm for me.

Needless to say, we let everyone else leave and said we'd catch up. First I had to gush about how much I'd missed him, sincerely, and that I'd loved him even as a child. None of this frightened him, just made him that more happy to be there. He and a few friends threw some sort of 'party' for me, in which I mainly had to clean up after them, but Chris helped and we joked a bit and I could think of nothing I'd rather be doing than wiping mounds of frosting from countertops with him. And then I remembered the beach and said I'd better hurry before my step-mom got angry beyond reason.. I invited him along, of course, but he had somewhere else to be. Suddenly I was terrified of losing him a second time, another forever, and asked if I could have his e-mail address or phone number, something, anything. I don't know why, but I felt if I didn't have his e-mail, nothing would matter. Even his phone number wouldn't give me satisfaction, but that's all he wrote down. Worriedly I asked if he had a computer, but.. the dream faded out, and I woke up.

Now I'm left wondering where he is, what he's doing. I hope he didn't get sucked into the armed forces. I hope he's happy.. And it didn't even occur to me until this morning when I was applying makeup before heading out the door at an ungodly hour (for me, anyhow) for the bank, that maybe he has a girlfriend. Hell, maybe he's married. If that's the case, I think I'd rather go on not knowing. Though.. I wonder if I'll ever see him again. In the dream, his eyes were so blue, smile so big. Just as I'd remembered. Even the memory of my father isn't as clear, and I just saw him a couple months ago. Chris I haven't seen in about seven years. Seven years. And maybe he isn't like he used to be. Maybe he changed, as I have. He could be a close-minded hick, or a Bible-thumper. He could've forgotten all about me.

..it's too early for all this thinking. I'm going to crawl back into bed and hope that more sleep will come easily. As much as I loved my little reunion fantasy, I almost hope this round will be dreamless, or at least.. without him. I seem to always fall in love with what I can't have. Common human thing to do, isn't it?
  • Current Mood
    nostalgic nostalgic
Asia {`deny your maker`}

(no subject)

I was standing at a counter, picking dimes out of my small, clay jar. Ten, I needed ten.

"Hey--" a voice at my side, but I cut him off--

"Jesus Christ!"--and spun angrily to face him.

By the time 'Jesus' had left my lips, he was already on the defensive, backing up. "Okay, okay--"

"No! Why should I give you money?! If you were approached on the street as often as I am, you'd understand. I can't possibly afford to give away any more; what makes you think I can? I don't even have a job--you should be giving money to me!!" I was hysterical, tears blurring my vision. Hysterical and angry and hurt. He looked as though he were about to cry.. until halfway through my tirade. Then he began to smile or smirk. I wanted to hit him.

My hair was dark as my eyes, my words were tinted by an Italian accent. In this dream, I had taken on the appearance of Az.


I guess that means it's time to go job-hunting.
Asia {`you say you need no one`}

(no subject)

Something about sleeping in my old bed in my old room in the house on the street that I grew up on tends to send me back in time, probably because time stops here in Stephens City. With every new month a new contract is signed and suddenly the land is speckled with new houses, instead of old trees. That's about all that changes; less space and more people, more traffic to try to somehow find a way to fit on roads that were built for a fraction of what the population has become. More accidents, less deer. More new neighbors and less of that tight-knit community feel.

But from my bedroom, none of that is noticeable. There's still the stuffed animals I've had since I was in the single-digits, the same books I used as an escape from the world as a teenager, the same sheets I've curled under for near two decades. So it should be no surprise that I dream about a friendship I thought would last forever.. and in these dreams, forever isn't haunted by the number eleven, no, forever is really forever.. and we're laughing and running around and feeling safe that if one of us should get into trouble, the other would get us out of it. When my eyes finally open into consciousness I make a funny little face because, hmm, I'm over that. I wish it'd stop haunting me.

I took my puppy for a walk. Yes, along the same street in the same neighborhood I grew up in. We pass her house, where he pauses, as if on instinct. I can't help but gaze up at the windows, wondering if a face will be staring back at me, hoping for a friendly wave or curiosity caused by the creature on the opposite end of the black and teal and purple leash. But, as expected, the windows are dim and empty, and we continue on.

When we've walked a good third of the way, a newly familiar song fills my earmuffs and, oddly enough, strikes a chord of nostalgia. I looked up to the neutral gray sky, the kind of gray that's not threatening anything but not smiling down, either, when a repetitive beeping noise fills the air and cuts into the low volume music in my ears. It closely resembled the buzzer on my alarm, and I had to wonder.. What if it were a dream? Would I give up all the past experiences and mistakes that have taught me so much in the past years if I could wake up and be twelve again, and have my normal three-piece family back and my bestest friend in the entire world.. my beloved deceased relatives and pets alive again? When the song ended, I still wasn't sure of an answer. Would I give up new friends, newfound bravado, the new love of my life in the form of big ears and a curled-over tail, all for the comfort of security? I felt so safe back then, and now every time I inhale I'm afraid that by the time I release the breath someone else will have fallen terminally ill, or will turn their back on me, or something, anything will go wrong.

I never wanted to grow up, because as a kid I saw the impending doom riding on each sunset. Not long after puberty kicked in, I lost my security.. and not to sound dramatic, but I lost a hell of a lot else, too. I've grown and accepted the losses, and if I haven't yet accepted them, I've somehow managed to not dwell on them every single day.

There isn't much I see in the future. I know I'll lose friends, and everything has to die at some point in time. I don't have any sort of direction or desires for the next few years.. or decades, but I'd probably give up the tiny little hopes in my heart if it meant I'd feel safe for a while, even if it were just a short while. Maybe that's the definition of desperate, or another none too flattering description.. but hey, at least I'm honest.
  • Current Music
    "Passenger Seat," Death Cab For Cutie.
Asia {`you say you need no one`}

I who loved the night.

I was all set for bed. Just one visit outside for the pup, and then I was going to turn in. But this song was running through my veins, and it set me into an optimistic, content mood, and I couldn't go in so soon despite that Molko had taken less time than usual to find the perfect spots to do his business.

So we strolled down the street. My thoughts were light, random. The weather is pleasant enough for me to trod along bare-footed in jeans that have been walked on far too much and a dirty t-shirt, though if you'd asked me a couple weeks ago when it was drizzling and forty degrees, I'd have said the same. Must be why I've been sick for so long.

We stopped at the corner, the breeze first rustling tree limbs before brushing over us, smooth and gentle. Halfway to the next street I decided to turn back. Gazing down through the dark neighborhood, I remembered that over a year ago, I was running through the street, cold and without a coat, acting hysterical and in need of.. something. Help? Maybe. Understanding, definitely. And most of all, probably, peace of mind. I feel much better now, though not much has changed. I'm getting away from here, and that's a relief.

I peered curiously through our neighbor's windows, almost expecting to smell salt on the breeze. I don't know why. Maybe I'm meant to live in a little beach town, somewhere along the East coast, as much as I detest the majority of the people here. We'll see.

I woke up today to my parents arguing loudly. Something about furniture and bitching.. Tom kept saying "This is my house!" which is quite familiar. Everything belongs to him. I once confronted him, threw his flaws in his face just as he so loves to do. I asked him why he's so obsessive, if it could be because he grew up with four other siblings and he never really had anything of his own. He couldn't say anything.. just giggled. So I knew I was right.

Later, everything was fine. The storm had blown over and my parents were getting along as though nothing had happened. I'm sure I'll hear about it later from Mom.. 'Oh, guess what Tom was saying--' as usual. One of the neighbors was talking about her family, and jokingly referred to her brothers as her sisters, because they're gay. Tom said "So should I say my sister has two daughters, since my nephew is gay?" and she said yes. It pissed me off, of course, and I just about stood up and asked them what they should call me, being bisexual. I should have, but instead snatched up my puppy and relocated to another part of the yard. That'd have been interesting; coming out to the neighborhood and my step-dad.. and my mother too, I guess, since she seems to have forgotten.

Now I should really turn in. I wish the sun were just rising.. I sleep best at that time.
  • Current Music
    "I Eat Dinner," Rufus Wainwright & Dido
Asia {`you say you need no one`}

(no subject)

I had a dream months ago which involved a few small dogs, hillbillies, and a dark tone. In a lot of my dreams, there's something that needs done, probably due to the fact that I procrastinate like no one's business, and this one was no different. I don't remember much other than what I've already mentioned and feeling very disgusted/creeped-out and just wanting to finish whatever it was I needed to do so I could leave.

It wasn't very pleasant, and I wouldn't feel like as though I were missing out if I'd forget about it altogether, but every now and then a flash of it comes into mind for no apparent reason. I'd like to know why, but trying to figure out my subconscious is about as productive as trying to lick your elbow.
If that made no sense whatsoever, take a gander at the time and keep in mind that I've yet to sleep.

..oh, a blue jay just perched on a branch right beside the window. Very pretty.

In other news, the family's coming home tonight. I'm going to really miss having the house to myself to frolic in until the wee hours of the morning without having to worry about waking anyone. I will not miss the responsibility of four cats, three birds, three dogs, and two rodents.

When I wake up later today, I'll have plenty to do. Dishes need washed, cat litter needs emptied.. I'd like to mop the floor though I doubt that'll happen, and I need to erase all my tracks on this computer. I have to travel to Gloria's because Tuesday I've a dentist appointment 'round there. She's in California right now, and has informed me to keep my puppy as well contained as possible. So, that'll be a pain in the neck.

Christ, I need sleep.
Asia {`you say you need no one`}

And from your lips they drew an hallelujah.

It's warm out today, and I'm sitting in the room I'd lived in for nearly all my life, waves of memories washing over my mind. Small things. An atmosphere, the sound of breathing, watching a certain someone's back rise and fall with every breath. I can still vividly imagine how it would feel to reach out, to touch and feel the warmth through the material of her t-shirt, the delicate curves and crevices of her ribs. And I can almost remember what it was like to press my mouth to hers. I wish it had been different. I wish we'd been older and hadn't needed to hide under the guise of role play.
  • Current Mood
    nostalgic nostalgic